Flop Like a Champion

There are few things I do better than flop.

Webster defines flop in two ways. 1. To fall or plump down suddenly, especially with noise; drop or turn with a sudden bump or thud; and 2. To be a complete failure. In Of Mice and Men, brothel workers charge a pretty penny for a nice flop.  Recent headlines tell me that Newt Gingrich is flip-flopping on his position on the Middle East.  My definition of flopping is more nuanced, more personal, though not entirely divorced from any of these connotations. Flopping is something I've been perfecting from cradle to college, but I've only recently come up with the semantics necessary to precisely capture the art of flopping.


Humans have flopped since we were primates.  Cavemen flopped and so did the Victorians; the hippies flopped with an unrivaled precision and grace. Flopping is an intensely lazy, but also necessary, form of relaxation.  You may flop in your bed or on your couch, on your floor or in your roommate/boyfriend/best friend's bed.  You may flop alone or with other, like-minded floppers.  Flopping is best done after a long day of work, on a rainy Saturday or hung-over Sunday. A snow-day flop is an experience of pure beauty.  Flopping may be accompanied by food (mostly of the take-in, pre-made variety), alcohol, books and movies, or it may be free of props. Flopping can last hours, but the craving can be satiated in mere minutes.  Flopping attire is important and must be comfortable--real experts flop in something stretchy.  Flopping is a highly personal and fluid art form, but it hinges on a deep desire to do very little in a comfortable setting.  Though flopping takes almost no skill, it does require genuine dedication to the practice.  You must recognize and take pride in the fact that you're going to be a lazy, worthless human being for the duration of your flop. There is no room for judgment in flopping.


I am a productive person in most areas of life, but I cannot deny myself a good flop.  On a particularly difficult day at work I might text one of my flopping partners: "all I wanna do right now is flop," and the message comes across loud and clear.  People who deny themselves a flop on the basis of self-improvement or productivity are denying themselves one of life's simplest, most rejuvenating pleasures.  Take it from a modest master: To flop is to live, and to live is to flop.