Shana Tova, Suckas

Not because I'm particularly devout, but I prefer the Jewish New Year to the normal one. January is dreary and uninspiring--an illogical time for fresh beginnings.  I resent the pressure to wear sparkles on New Year's Eve and I resent Jesus' inopportune birthday that I don't even get to celebrate. Cold weather literally makes my brain malfunction. For these totally valid reasons, I reject the Christian calendar's suggestion of January newness and instead look to my bearded brethren when thinking about life changes. 

Contrary to expectation, the weather and general lack of motivation in January inspire me to vigorously partake in all the vices I'm supposed to be swearing off. If I resolve to go the gym with more frequency, I'm really more inclined to start eating carbohydrates with more frequency.  If I resolve to drink modestly, the cold forces me to imbibe with abandon.  Every New Year's Resolution I've made has failed by the tenth at the latest, so I'm done trying.  I could look inward and blame this on my lack of grit. Instead, I will blame the month of January.  For all the talk of freshness, the month feels rather stale.  It's high time more people converted to Judaism. We could use them on our team, anyway.  

The Jews know what's up: we celebrate the new year at the most logical time.  As someone whose life cycles with the school year, September is a fitting month for fresh starts.  In January, we're depressed that it's still winter and will be for several more months.  In September, we're excited about the change of weather--the onset of fall in all its orange tones and crispness.  My classroom is sparkling with inspirational posters, and I've got 75 new children, none of whom hate me yet.  Brooklyn women are breaking out their circular scarves and moccasins.  The subway is no longer a malodorous steam bath.  I've got a brand-new, year-long metrocard to take me to all that cultural shit I've been meaning to do for a year. I'm in the mood for yoga, kale and new novels. 

Along with bagels, this is why I like Judaism.  The normal New Year is utter nonsense. The Jewish New Year is brilliant.  It's high time Jews and Goys alike accepted the fact that September is the appropriate month for fresh beginnings. January is a time for cutting your losses and acting like a blob.  Accept it.